SAINT WINEHOUSE

Amy Winehouse not only impressed the industry-packed audience at the Mercury Music Prize last night, she used the down-time of the interval to cure AIDS, cancer and the common cold.

Pope Benedict XVI joined the clamour of praise for the singer today by offering Winehouse a beatitude, adding: “If she can prove she’s performed a miracle (other than turning up for a gig) we’ll waive the whole ‘death’ part and promote her straight to Saint.”