LE PHOTOSHOP, C’EST CHIC

We at Polyester love a good airbrush. Three cheers for J-Lo bleached into oblivion; a big hoop-lah for a skeletal Teri Hatcher. If we wanted to see them in the flesh, we'd bloody well stalk them.

So we happily applaud Nicolas Sarkozy, who appears to have had his holiday love handles brushed out by French mag Paris Match. But considering Sarkozy is good mates with Match's owner (and, in the past, he's had an editor fired for revealing his wife Cecilia's affair) we can assume it's all been done in collusion. Which is fine by us...

It's not that Sarkozy looks better a little more toned; body image is so last year. It's that he's got the power to change how he looks on a day-to-day basis: like Mystique from X-Men, but without the blue skin and the uncomfortable fag-hag relationship with Ian McKellen. If you could get touched up digitally, wouldn't you nab the chance? And before you go claiming reality, pictures are real. Nowadays, no-one sees each other in the flesh anymore: mere mortals poke on Facebook, stars communicate via blogs and OK!. A touched-up photo is just as good as plastic surgery and it’s significantly cheaper.

Sarkozy points us to the future. One day we'll all be changing how we look from one day to the next, with none of the hair-colour problems which beset poor Esther Rantzen. Amen. Louis

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FASHION: WEAK

You’ve got to admire a piece about kids’ clothing that declares “baby goes Bauhaus” with a poker-face. Good old Vogue’s Most Wanted Of The Week is onto the little ones and they want you to splash a lot of cash. It’s just so hard to know whether to choose between the £300 cashmere blanket...


...or the £400 embroidery of baby's most favouritest drawing.

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THE NAME GAME

They were tired of Bond Street and Bluewater, but the Beckhams' migration to greener pastures hasn't quite gone to plan. Launching their new life with a 'real-life' documentary that bombed and expecting to be greeted with open arms, the gruesome twosome have now been given the accolade of their very own American moniker.

The plastic imports' endearing new name is “a fag and his hag”. Strong words from a west coast community that worships at the shrine of Paris Hilton, metrosexuality and preened hardbodies. It begs us to ask, what went wrong?

It couldn't have been their unerring arrogant confidence that they’d take the witless Americans by storm with their quaint British charm? We're torn between a) laughing heartily at the joke, and b) hoping that America will repent and give them a belated warm welcome.

Not really. We're enjoying the Atlantic distance. Tsouni

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BBC REPORT ON UGLY FEET

Not since Kerry Katona’s knife-robbery trauma got half a page in The Guardian have we been so bemused by news-folks’ priorities.

According to the BBC, Sandie Shaw, the Eurovision-winning, Puppet On A String chanteuse, has had corrective surgery on her “ugly” feet.

Sienna Miller might be playing Margaret Thatcher in a new film and yet the Beeb went bigger on Sandie Shaw’s deformed toes. The detail is remarkable:


* She got a pair of “huge, geisha-style shoes” upon discharge

* She was also given “condom-like rubber leg tubes to shower in” and “a self-propelled wheelchair”

* Bandages were taken off two weeks after the op, and her feet are “swollen, misshapen, yellow and bruised”

* Her nurse has encouraged SS to “bond with my new feet, to massage, moisturise and get familiar with them”

* She will unveil her new toes in October

Thanks for that, Auntie.

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BOOB-JOB STUNT SOUNDS FAMILIAR…

Worldwide news authorities – alright, daily must-read Jezebel – are reporting that Australian lad-rag ZOO is giving away a boob-job to one lucky reader’s girlfriend. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” editor Paul Merrill said in a statement.

This lady-blogger once worked at the Brit ZOO (first job, not proud, alright ma?), edited by one Paul Merrill, where they – wait for it – ran a controversial competition for a reader to win his girlfriend a boob job.

Here’s how it played out for him first time round.

The Advertising Standards Authority has ruled that the contest to "win your lady a brand new set of expertly crafted tits" breached its codes on responsible advertising and told the publisher, Emap, not to repeat the approach.

But that was almost two years ago, damn it, and the ASA didn’t, like, say Australia in the ruling or anything. So it’s round two, ding! ding!, thanks for the publicity... and a massive bore-off yawn from us.

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