LE PHOTOSHOP, C’EST CHIC

We at Polyester love a good airbrush. Three cheers for J-Lo bleached into oblivion; a big hoop-lah for a skeletal Teri Hatcher. If we wanted to see them in the flesh, we'd bloody well stalk them.

So we happily applaud Nicolas Sarkozy, who appears to have had his holiday love handles brushed out by French mag Paris Match. But considering Sarkozy is good mates with Match's owner (and, in the past, he's had an editor fired for revealing his wife Cecilia's affair) we can assume it's all been done in collusion. Which is fine by us...

It's not that Sarkozy looks better a little more toned; body image is so last year. It's that he's got the power to change how he looks on a day-to-day basis: like Mystique from X-Men, but without the blue skin and the uncomfortable fag-hag relationship with Ian McKellen. If you could get touched up digitally, wouldn't you nab the chance? And before you go claiming reality, pictures are real. Nowadays, no-one sees each other in the flesh anymore: mere mortals poke on Facebook, stars communicate via blogs and OK!. A touched-up photo is just as good as plastic surgery and it’s significantly cheaper.

Sarkozy points us to the future. One day we'll all be changing how we look from one day to the next, with none of the hair-colour problems which beset poor Esther Rantzen. Amen. Louis

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SELMA BLAIR DOES DAZED

The new Dazed cover looks even better than the one we invented in our heads when we heard Amy Winehouse was going to front US Vogue (AW went with Sienna instead – bore off etc).



[via Fashion Insanity]

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NAUGHTY AOL :(

I’m half way through the excellent book How Sassy Changed My Life: A Love Letter To The Greatest Teen Magazine Of All Time (henceforth referred to as: snip it, wordy!). With all the anecdotes about Kim Gordon, Spike Jonze and fighting the religious right through make-up advice, kind of, it makes me wish I was in My So-Called Life, wearing floaty grunge dresses, swooning at Jordan Catalano and subscribing to Sassy, which I’m not sure Angela did, but she obviously would’ve, in the nixed second series.

This loving homage is inspirational because it showed that a genuinely cool mag could shift copies and make money. But maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to get to the end, when those wholesome dreams are crushed by big bad corporate things.

Ah, well. There’s no point in hopeless nostalgia, especially when the future’s all online and that. I’m into AOL’s teen site Red. Loving that inspirational content…especially The 20 Ugliest Celebs…

Hrngh! Hrngh! Hold up. Mariah Carey’s at number 20, and nobody puts Mimi in a corner. And who’s that? Kelis? Courtney Love?

Let’s look at their reasons, and despair for our youth.


KELIS: Holy hell ... Kelis is not bringin' any boys to the yard looking like that. There have been rumors that she is really a man, and quite frankly we are thinking something's not right with this chick. Every time we see her she has her mouth open and looks like she's ready to eat us. She's scary. Next time we see her, we are looking for the Adam's apple.

COURTNEY LOVE: Talk about a total trainwreck. This woman is about as ugly and classless as it can get. Courtney Love is quite frankly a donkey. We cannot even find anything slightly redeeming about her. Maybe if she gets help for the drug abuse, then she can work on cleaning herself up. But it's going to take A LOT of work!

Polyester smells libel… come on, C-Love, get the lawyers out.

But I’m OK with it. I’m just going to move on and tuck into… Celebrities Without Make-Up and Worst Celebrity Smiles. Teen AOL, you are awesome. Rebecca

[via Defamer]

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JODIE FOSTER DOES MORE

Reading “Jodie Foster is on the new cover of More” from Perez Hilton on the old RSS sent us all a-flutter.

Alas, it is not “Coleen’s Wag Tit Wank Special!” More.

It is American oldie mag More...

:(

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BOOB-JOB STUNT SOUNDS FAMILIAR…

Worldwide news authorities – alright, daily must-read Jezebel – are reporting that Australian lad-rag ZOO is giving away a boob-job to one lucky reader’s girlfriend. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” editor Paul Merrill said in a statement.

This lady-blogger once worked at the Brit ZOO (first job, not proud, alright ma?), edited by one Paul Merrill, where they – wait for it – ran a controversial competition for a reader to win his girlfriend a boob job.

Here’s how it played out for him first time round.

The Advertising Standards Authority has ruled that the contest to "win your lady a brand new set of expertly crafted tits" breached its codes on responsible advertising and told the publisher, Emap, not to repeat the approach.

But that was almost two years ago, damn it, and the ASA didn’t, like, say Australia in the ruling or anything. So it’s round two, ding! ding!, thanks for the publicity... and a massive bore-off yawn from us.

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OUR PALTROW AMBIVALENCE

Gwyneth Paltrow’s annoying. It’s a universal truth, like a single man in possession of a good fortune etc. But here’s a secret shame: I’m also kind of fascinated by her. I watch films that she’s in, and if a magazine runs an interview with her, babes, I’ll read it. I liked that she said she enjoys living in England because people talk about smart things, even if it was a bit smug.

But this also makes me feel dirty, and now I’ve admitted it for the whole internet (well, 24 people a day, and rising!) to see. Because she is smug, and wet, and self-satisfied. Her Oscar acceptance speech remains the most excruciating moment in the history of entertainment, and that’s including the entirety of Sylvia, the worst film ever made (who’d have thunk, a film about suicide less appealing than its subject matter).

Up until this week, I was OK about it. Gwyn had gone away for a couple of years, churning out Biblical babies and saving the world one Coldplay dedication at a time. I’d dealt with the uncertainty, with the confused feelings, with the pangs of guilt and shame, and I’d put her to the back of my mind. But she appears to be on the counter-attack.

Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow is back.

1. She’s on the cover of W, looking like a medieval tranny robot painted by Picasso.

2. In said magazine, she talks about motherhood: “I have a dream version where I think, maybe in four years I'll have two in a row really quickly again—how fabulous to have a whole bunch of them!" Ugh. You know that smart comment? Whatever.

3. She’s going to host a Spanish cooking show, even though she doesn’t eat meat. Has she been to Spain? They love vegetarians there. She definitely won’t be eating chips and salad for a month. Nope, no chips for her.

Oh, Gwyneth. Why do you keep letting me down?

Anyone else got a love-hate secret star shame?

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